12.25.09

I'm hurt. I'm unhappy. I'm just currently so many things that I wish I wasn't. It kind of feels as though everything is falling apart, little by little. I can't even sort out what is wrong with me, and that makes me think that it's close to everything.

Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas. Aunt Sharon passed away on Sunday, Mom's leaving on January 11th, and I'm moving in with Dad. My writing teacher claimed that I came close to plagerism. Yeah? WTF is that crap. I cited at the end of the paragraph because I used my source for the entire paragraph and she didn't want citations at the end of every sentence, but whatever. She didn't report me, I guess. I just feel discouraged and hopeless, which is pretty unfortunate. Oh, pathetic, too, did I mention that? I feel that way. I feel like I shouldn't feel this bad, and that I'm being..well, I honestly cannot think of the word right now. I just don't really like life right now, though I'm trying my best to pretend. I just fucking hate it.

I don't want to be simply content with my life and I've been that way for far too long. I honestly don't remember the last time I was truly happy with something. I'm just getting by, day to day and I'm unstimulated in the greatest sense. I don't want to anything, but I don't want to do nothing, y'know? Probably not. This isn't something normal people would experience, I guess. I tried writing, I tried reading, I tried just listening to music. I don't want to think. I just want to go to fricken sleep, but naturally, my mind is racing. I wish I could run or something to clear my mind, but it's midnight and the treadmill would make far too much noise.

Speaking of too much, I think that's it. Right now, for me, this is all just too much for me to take. I just need a break, before I do because I really don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm a fricken crazy person. And, honestly, I'm ashamed to feel this way. I'm ashamed that I'm unhappy. I don't want people to feel bad for me; boy do I hate that. I don't want people to want to cheer me up because they can tell I'm unhappy. I really just don't want to talk about it, though I know I probably should. I just feel guilty about it all I guess. I mean, I haven't even told Laura about Aunt Sharon, and I've talked to her three times since it happened. Laura is my best friend. I haven't posted in the TBNA, because I feel weird posting it, but at the same time, I feel that I need to post it and get it over with before I can go back to normal, but I hate the "I'm sorry's." They seriously make me cringe. I just need to get better, or back to me, but honestly, right now, I don't know who me is.

I've been listening to music like mad for the past week, and I so badly want to believe it all. I want to believe in the silver lining and the happy ending, or at least the happy moment here and there, but I just can't find it in my heart to believe that's true. I feel so cynical and I hate that right now, I question my belief in love and I wonder whether or not I will ever find someone that cares about me unconditionally as much as I care about them. I can see myself being single, possibly forever and part of me is okay with that, but that's the cynical side of me that would be content with that, not the real, not that I'm even confident with using the term "real", me. Right now, I just don't know much about anything, but I know I'm not happy and I really just can't handle the unhappy me for much longer.

Merry Christmas, I guess.

College is so weird to me. I mean, I enjoy it, but it seems to me that right now there are only two options. One: you can drink. Greek life is so prevalent at Syracuse. I mean, my floormates wanted me to go to frat row tonight and invited me along, but I just can't yet. There are so many things that I just don't know yet about these people. I just can't find it in me to trust them outright. So, number Two: you can not drink (at this point, not drinking = sitting in your dorm room thinking too much and freaking yourself out). I'm sure that it would be good for me to do the whole partying thing, but I'm only interested in having a good time, minus the alcohol. I mean, I'll drink once in awhile, not to the point of drunkeness, but til a slight buzz, but I've never gone over three drinks. I don't want to be shitfaced. I don't know how anyone could actually want that, especially right when school starts. I don't know anyone well enough. They wouldn't take care of me if I did happen to need that. I just don't think I can do that yet.
I feel as though I'm past this whole "let's get drunk" phase. I would be perfectly happy to just meet a few nice people, get a boyfriend, and just hang out. I don't understand why people need the alcohol in college to have a good time. Are we really that self conscious? Are our lives that awful? I think not, but I don't understand what a guy (or girl) could see in a shitfaced member of the opposite sex. It certainly doesn't appeal to me. I'm just stressing out so much right now, probably for no reason, but still. I just can't sleep and I'm sure that my friends are having a wonderful time at the frat party (if they even got in), but I just can't do it. If I was with Laura, or my brothers, sure, but I'm not. I'm with people that I just met yesterday and I just can't allow myself to trust any of them. The only person I feel safe with is my RA, Sarah. She's a little crazy, and not really the type of person I usually hang around with, but all of the RA's make me feel pretty amazing. I just know if I need something, they'll help. THANK GOD.

I care about people way too much, and sometimes, I hate that about myself. My brother and his girlfriend of 9 years are in the middle of breaking up, but then they act like they're getting back together. I honestly don't know what to think. They were talking for a good 2 hours tonight and then, my brother just drove off because of something she told him. He says that he's got a girlfriend someplace with 3 kids, but then says that he doesn't. I honestly just don't know what game he's playing at with her. So, he just left and I went to make sure Kristy was alright, she wasn't, obviously, but I think I helped a bit just by being there. They're both so drunk, I doubt they'll remember much of anything tomorrow. So, Dale was driving home and Kristy was texting him to come back. I called to see if he was home yet, but he wasn't so I waited and called the house and thankfully he got there safe and I asked if it was alright for me to drop Kristy off so they can talk. He said it was alright, so, I did. I'm just worried about them being there alone, and drunk, and emotionally unstable. I really just want them to work it out, but no one has any clue what's going on with Dale. He's so messed up and Kristy loves him so much. And Camille, my sweet, wonderful, loving niece. She'll be four in just a few weeks, and I know that he loves her, but he's being awful about showing it. I just don't understand how he can see that beautiful little girl and not want to spend all the time with her that he can. For her, for Kristy, and for Dale, I just hope that they can fix this.
Zachary had 8 beers in three hours, so, I had to take care of that too. He hadn't eaten or drank any water either. He said he just wanted to go home and sleep, but I made him eat and drink a bottle of water first. He would've been a mess if I hadn't. AND my sister's nephew (well, sort of) on he boyfriend's side, Chad, he had about 13 beers today (in about 5 hours), so, he wasn't in much better shape than Zach. He passed out in a tent out back at my sister's house. I'm home now, and glad to be here, but I'm worried about everyone else. For the sakes of everyone involved, I hope that they can all just get their stuff together. I would love not to worry about everyone almost constantly.

So, I cannot wait for college. I'm in Brewster on the eighth floor. Good stuff. I'm not working tomorrow, but I have to work Saturday and I kind of forgot about the concert festival that I'm supposed to be going to with my siblings, so, I'll have to leave early, but I don't really care. I don't need to see that all anyway.

I got My Sister's Keeper in the mail today, but I'm in the middle of two other books, so it'll have to wait. I'm reading The Edge of Winter and The Naked Roommate, so we'll see. I should be asleep right now (It's 12:19 and I need to be up in less than 7 hours), but I can't sleep. INSOMNIA friggen sucks. I want to write, but that's been a major suckfest the past couple of days...

Megan called me to hang out today. I had to work and didn't want to anyways, so, that worked out well. She just acts like everything between us is normal. It's not.

AND,
My name combos are giving me troubles. I have

Emmeline Daphne Claire
Violet Isabella Catherine
Rosalie Elisabeth June
Genevieve Lucia Margaret
Cecilia Gwendolen Jane
Eleanora Alice Caroline
Lydia Charlotte Adele
Anna Vivienne Esme
Juliet Alana Scarlett
Lillian Ruth Anastasia

I've realized that I simply do not care about the vast majority of people that I went to highschool with. I have Laura, and she's just about all that matters to me. We've been best friends since pre-school and she's the real deal, my bestie for life. Megan tried to tell me some story about a Grease drinking party she went to and all this stuff about Jeb and Keith; she conveniently left out some stuff about how she made out with a girl, or so I hear, but I realized that I simply do not care about any of that gossip at all. I'd just prefer not to know these things.

I went to a party for my cousin Jessie today. She's 30 now; exciting stuff. She's pregnant and due on October 10th (I think). She's quite an adorable pregnant woman if I may say so. This is her second child and she thinks it'll be a boy, but they're going to let it be a surprise. Her son is Tyler William; he's a cute little blonde, blue-eyed boy. My cousin Jason's girlfriend, Melinda is pregnant too; she's due the 23rd of November aka: the day before my 18th birthday. They just found out that they're having a little boy.

Seriously, I get in such odd moods when I think too much. I've been trying to read The Virgin Suicides. I'm about halfway through and I've started The Edge of Winter too. So, I've got two books to read before My Sister's Keeper gets here. I ordered on Border's.com two days ago and I can't wait for it to get here. =] Anyhow, all I want to do is write rather than read, so, I'm going with that and writing. This idea seems to be going places so I have to go with it. I'm watching ANTM right now. It's one of those friggin marathons, so, naturally, I won't be able to stop watching.

So, this week has been interesting. My grad party was on Sunday and I got to see a ton of family members and some friends, too. Then, I got $2950 dollars, so, that's pretty darn amazing. Tuesday, I went to Six Flags with my cousins and their children (Ashley-5, Andrew-7, Julianna-7, Carissa-4, Haleigh-7, Shelby-8, Josalynn-3). It was interesting. Now, I'm babysitting and the kids are watching the new Hannah Montana thing with Jake vs. Jesse. They're both pretty cute guys.

Last night, I went to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last night with Laura, her dad, and my brother, Zachary. It was great. I teared up a bit when Dumbledore died, but it definitely was not as epic as it should have been...Tonight I have to work 5-close, then babysit tomorrow until 4:00, then work 5-close. I have Saturday off and I have some grad parties to go to, but then I have to work a party on Sunday afternoon. Oh, and I finished my thank-you cards today. All 60 of them. Well, I suppose that's it for now.

Ashley and Andrew were good today, thank goodness. We watched Scooby Doo for approximately two hours, then went upstairs and I printed pictures forever and they watched ICarly. We ate lunch and then we went to the park and the Dairy Bar to get some ice cream. When we got back, Ashley fell asleep and Andrew decided to watch Beethoven the 2nd and I worked on the scrapbook. I'm so close to being finished, yet so far.

Naturally, it just got done pouring rain outside and doing the whole thunder and lightning thing. I swear, we can't go a day without it anymore. As soon as my mom gets back with my car, I have to go over to work and tell them the information for my party so they know how much food to make and then I have hopes of going to the mall with Laura, but who knows. I have to buy a "sun dress" for my party on Sunday and I want to get a giftcard from forever21 for Megan because her birthday is on Thursday. I'm taking her out to dinner on Wednesday night with Laura because I have to work on Thursday night. Megan and I are babysitting for the Thompson family on Thursday (8-3). It shall be epic!

I haven't updated this in forever. How odd. I had these wonderful plans to keep up with it and then it just stopped. I suppose that's when I got uber busy/stressed and didn't keep up with it. Well, a lot happened. I graduated and things have changed. I cut my hair and I can't wait to be cut loose from this place. Never have I felt so weird in this place. I've realized that the only person I really hang out with anymore is Laura; she's the legitimate best friend. I've known this for awhile, but now it's definite. She's amazing and I've found that if she's busy, then I really don't do anything. Well, other than hang out with the brothers. Fun fun. I leave for Syracuse on August 26th and I cannot wait. My roommate seems awesome from what I know and I really just want to go. I want to meet new people and experience new things. I'm just getting anxious.

Russel and I went to Walmart today. I spend a ton of time at Walmart lately. I was there last night too and then I went to TacoBell after with Laura. Well, I bought more college stuff, like notebooks and stuff. Then, Russel and I went to Pizza Hut. I thought I would fall right asleep, but I'm not really ready yet. I cleaned my room today though so it looks pretty awesome right now. I'm itching to write, as in novels, but I'm not feeling too particularly creative right now, so, this will have to do for now.

02.01.09

I'm sick. And I've got loads of homework to do.

01.27.09

It's been awhile since the last update. I've been exhausted, but what else is new? School, drama and work have been absolutely hectic and I've been writing, too. I can write a 100 page story, no problems, but homework. Psh. Who actually wants to do homework? I certainly don't feel up to it lately. Especially calculus...Anyhow, I've been doing better in school even though I've been hating it more and more. I got a 90 on my spanish test and a 99 on biology, plus a 89 on the last calculus quiz. I need to get like a 90-ish on my next calc test to get my grade up where I actually want it.

Hopefully, I'll have a snow day tomorrow. WOOT! That would be amazing considering that I didn't finish my homework for Bio, Spanish, or Calc. Alright...that's enough for now. Maybe I'll update with more details tomorrow if I don't have school.

Oh. The most important thing...I graduate in exactly five months. FIVE. =]

**sorry for the random rambling of this...I'm tired and not caring a whole lot right now.

01.18.09

I've been so tired and busy lately. It's not a great combination. I haven't even blogged in four days...Alright, I suppose I'll have to recap then.

THURSDAY: I honestly don't remember much about school on Thursday, but I know that I had drama after and rather than reading lines and blocking, I had to clean out the friggen prop room when I could've gone home to work on homework considering that I had a ton to do and I had to work 5-close. WHATEVER. Work was fun. Tommy was there and he's a cool kid. I portioned dressing forever and did some dishes, but we weren't too busy, so it was fun. Tommy made me start his car and gave me a noogie. I don't like noogies; they hurt. He also said he thought it would be really funny if he just punched me in the face or hit me with a water pitcher. haha. very, very funny.

FRIDAY: School was, well, it was school. Sucky, but whatever. After school, I took my little brother and his friend to Target and got my check cashed. I put $40 in the bank. Woo-hoo for saving money. Zachary and I bought new coffee mugs since him and I bring coffee to school every morning now and the old ones leak. Then, he bought me Starbucks and I dropped them off at my Dad's and went to work. Work was alright and not busy at all. I was scrounging up work to do...

SATURDAY: Well, I slept until like 3:00, then I went walking for a little while, took a shower, and drove to my brother's house to babysit. Camille is a darling child...haha. She's actually quite crazy. She has a dog named Gizmo, he's a spaz too. We watched Norbit and she was quoting Raspucsha (sp?). The kid is three and watched Norbit...haha. Whatever. My brother paid me $25 and that bought my gas for the week.

TODAY: I did my AP Biology homework. That's basically all I've done today. Oh. I had an online meeting for Key Club too and Thao called me, but other than that, I haven't done much and I don't plan on doing much else. I have to do a ton of other homework, but I don't have school tomorrow so I'll just do it then. I have to make a cake for my teacher tomorrow too though because his birthday is Tuesday.

01.14.09

Woot! Today was actually a great day and I'm happy and just in a good mood. After the day I had yesterday, I really needed this. It started off with my little darling of a brother making me coffee. =] That's reason enough to be happy, but the greatness simply continued.

first period I actually got work done

second we read Othello, but with my teacher telling us random stories during it

third we had ap gov and went to my teacher's office (he's athletic director, too) since there were only six of us in class

fourth we watched Pleasantville for modern american film studies

fifth was chorus we sang "if it ain't got that swing"

sixth was ap bio. i got a 100 on my test

seventh was gym- it didn't completely suck =P

eight was calculus. i got a 96 on my quiz

ninth was spanish. it was simply a good time.

After school, I had drama rehearsal until 4:15. Then, I went to Tacobell with Megan and went to jazz band. We were late, but oh well. We were there for about 30 minutes and Mr. L decided to end rehearsal early. haha. I came home and worked on homework. My brothers came to visit my mom and hung out for awhile and now I'm baking a cake for my step-dad's birthday tomorrow. After that, I'm going to sleep. =]

01.12.09

I should definitely be working on my ap economics final paper right now considering that it's due in 10 hours, but oh well. I really felt the need to make this update before it's January 13th..haha. Plus, I'm rewarding myself with a "mini-break" each time I reach a new page. I'm about 5 lines onto page 3, so it's time for my mini-break. I need to write eight pages about the effects of trade imbalance on the United States. It's not interesting me at all, but oh well. At least I'm actually writing my paper and not copying and pasting it from wikipedia.com like a majority of my class is. Sweet, guys, sweet. Even if our teacher doesn't read the papers, please have some integrity and pride in yourself and your work. I really don't mind the writing part. It's just that I really don't know much about the topic and I have no desire to read my sources...I'm skimming them and putting the important things in the paper and filling it with a bunch of bs. I'm pretty great at bs-ing my papers. It's like modernism. It's worded pretty, but it has little to no substance. I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything, but even when I do say I write like that, it's still good. I'm lucky in the way that I can put little effort into writing and it still turns out fine such as my last 10 page research paper which I also wrote the night before. I got the highest grade in the AP classes (98)...My teachers just keep fueling the procrastination/senioritis/not-caring fire.

01.11.09

It's been a few days since I updated last. Friday was well, to be completely honest, I barely remember Friday. School was absolutely dreadful. It was quite possibly the longest day of school that I have ever sat through. I didn't think that it was going to end. Thankfully it did, at exactly 2:29 and right on schedule.

After school, I had drama rehearsal which was interesting. I had to leave early though because of work. So, I went straight to work from drama and work was good I guess. It normally is and I rarely have to complain about work because I adore the people that I work with and it's generally a great environment. I'm lucky, I suppose, that I actually enjoy my job even if I do have to wash gratuitous amounts of dishes and I got my check so I finally have money so that's a good deal.

Saturday I did absolutely nothing. I slept until 2:00 and then took a shower. I was supposed to hang out with Brittany, but she made other plans...whatever. I played on freerice.com forever and probably fed a bunch of hungry kids, so that's good. My parents asked me to watch To Kill A Mockingbird with them, but I was mad at my mom, so I declined the offer though they were very consistent about it.

Today was fun. I woke up at noon. That's pretty early for me. haha. So, I showered and then lounged around and got ready. Then Laura came over and we went to my work party. It was great. Tommy and Joey were there and I got to talk to both of them for awhile so that was good. They're awesome and brothers. I got to meet their sister. She's a ginger. I wasn't expecting it since both of the boys have black hair and so do their parents. I got gifts since it was a Christmas party. Shelly was my secret santa and she bought me a sweatshirt and bath stuff. Then, my boss gave me a $25 bonus! woohoo. It was like Christmas all over again. Then, after four hours, I came home and did Spanish and Calculus Homework. I should have studied for AP Bio and worked on my AP Gov paper, but whatever.

01.08.09

I lied. Today wasn't that great to start. We had a two hour delay due to horrible weather. I went to school and was about to park when, i scratched someone's car. So, the lady who stands out there and makes you re-park if you aren't absolutely perfect freaked. The other girl came outside and the principal did too. I didn't even think I hit it..neither did my principal. There was a black mark on her car, but he didn't think that I could've done it. Anyhow, he rubbed the mark and it came right off. No harm done, but it freaked me out a bit. After school activities were cancelled today so I've got a few hours before I have to go to work and I only have claculus and spanish homework to do tonight.So, it wasn't a horrible day, but I definitely got off on the wrong foot.

______

Work was good tonight. It was slow and I didn't have to wash dishes for 5 hours straight, but now I feel weird. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't feel like myself. I'm not happy or sad or stressed. I'm just not me. Ugh. Oh well.

01.07.09

Today was a snowday. I was thrilled. I really needed a day which is pretty pathetic considering that I just had two weeks off of school. I woke up at 11:00 and then went on ITNO for awhile before working on my Modern American Film project. I probably should've started my AP Gov paper too, but I'm not too concerned about that; it isn't due until Tuesday. I had to watch a movie from the 1950's and three episodes from a tv show for the MAF project. I watched White Christmas for the movie. It's really good. Bing Crosby is the man. Then I watched Dragnet. It was alright, but it's definitely not something I'm going to watch on a regular basis. I just couldn't really get into it, but I finished my project so I'm thrilled about that. I also wrote about half a page of my novel so that was good, too. Tomorrow and Friday are going to be uber busy for me. I have school, drama, and then work both days. School will be good tomorrow. I'm promising that right now.

01.06.09

Well, today was better than yesterday, but not too much better. School's just torture these days. I think I may just be in a slump though. We started Othello in english today. It's a dirty play. Iago is unbelievably politically incorrect. I'm exhausted. There should be a snowday tomorrow if things work out right. It's supposed to snow, then sleet, then icy-mix. =] Well, I suppose I'll just leave you with this pathetic attempt at a blog update.

01. 05. 09

It's officially the year two-thousand and nine. I'm not particuarly excited or anything, but by this point, that's normal for me. We went back to school today for the first time since December 19th. It was completely awful. Today was one of those Hannah cannot do anything correctly days. I couldn't sleep last night since over break I had been staying up until 5 AM and sleeping until the late afternoon, so last night I went to bed around 4 AM. I woke up around 6 AM and there was a two hour delay due to the wintery mix we received last night so I slept until 8:15 and got up to work on my AP Gov project (I'll get to this later). So, I worked on that for almost an hour, finding and printing out my sources for this research paper since my teacher told us to get our sources together. He wanted to see them...so I did that. Then, I got dressed and went out to warm up the car. I left early to go pick up my little brother from my dad's house and then we went to Dunkin' to get some coffee. We made it to school with plenty of time.
Due to the two hour delay, we had twenty minute classes other than the lunch periods (which were full periods - 40 minutes). It's kind of ridiculous, our delay schedule, i mean. We go in at 10:00, then we have homeroom until 10:11. From 10:11 until 10:31, we have first period. I have studyhall first and we basically talked the whole period (Josh, Britt, Kyle, etc). It was good. I drank my coffee in peace. Then, after first period is fourth for twenty minutes. I have no idea how that makes any sense whatsoever, but we go with it. Fourth period is Modern American History Film. It's my second favorite class. We talked about our 1950's project and I worked on AP Biology with Britty and Meg. Then, we go to fifth period. Today, fifth was chorus and that's a full 40 minutes because it's a lunch period. We watched the concert footage (the concert was December 18th). We were pretty awful for a select chorus. I didn't really pay attention though. We had a substitute and my friends and I talked about Edward Cullen and Snuggies. I want one of both, just so we're clear. =] Alright, so chorus was good. It usually is. After chorus, we had a full period of AP Bio. (SLIT ME NOW). I used to love bio, but this class is so tedious and I often feel like a torture victim. At least we're finished with Photosynthesis and Respiration. That was ridiculous. My teacher was being an unintentional d-bag today. It happens. We have a quiz on mitosis tomorrow and a test on it Friday. SWEET. So, after AP Bio, we went to seventh period for a full 40 minutes. I had gym and we didn't do anything so it was alright. Erika, Sheila, Holli and I worked on AP Bio homework. So, after seventh, we go to second period for twenty minutes. Are you confused yet? Alright, second period is AP English, my favorite. Miss. Palmer is an absolute angel and I could not make it through this year with out her. She handed back our ten page research papers. I got a 98. I lied when I said I couldn't do anything right. I did that right. So, after those twenty wonderful minutes were up, I had to go to AP Gov. Remember that hour I spent on finding/printing sources. My teacher claims he wanted a works cited, but he never stated that. In my opinion, a source list is not remotely close to being the same as a works cited, so I have to hand it in tomorrow and get a ninety. Then he flipped because none of us brought our course syllabus to class and he claims that we should know to bring it because we may use it. Mind you, we've never looked at one and we're half-way through the year. I just want to say that my teacher is knowledgable in his area of teaching, but he is the most conceited, ridiculous, self-centered douchebag of a metiocre teacher that I have ever had the mispleasure of who's classes I have been matriculated in. That probably makes no sense, but I don't care right now. So, then we go to eighth period for twenty minutes. I have AP Calc and that was fine. Mrs. Stead was funny today and agreed with us about Mr. D-Bag. We learned stuff about integrals and I understood it. =] woo-hoo. So, twenty minutes later, I went to spanish which is the last period of the day. My teacher flipped over our lack of vocab knowledge. I didn't remember any of our vocab words and nicole could remember one. She's said we'd start spanish five tomorrow because we obviously weren't up to it today. After school, I went to visit Mr. Sack with Laura in the elementary school. He's great, like a bestfriend to us. I can tell him just about anything. That was good, going to see him I mean.
Then, Zachary (little brother) and I went to KFC because he wanted chicken. I ate his potato wedges and we went back to Dad's house for a little while and then I had to pick up Mom at work and we came home and I worked on homework. Good times.
One Tree Hill's on right now, so at least that's keeping me in good spirits and I'm writing again.