I'm hurt. I'm unhappy. I'm just currently so many things that I wish I wasn't. It kind of feels as though everything is falling apart, little by little. I can't even sort out what is wrong with me, and that makes me think that it's close to everything.
Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas. Aunt Sharon passed away on Sunday, Mom's leaving on January 11th, and I'm moving in with Dad. My writing teacher claimed that I came close to plagerism. Yeah? WTF is that crap. I cited at the end of the paragraph because I used my source for the entire paragraph and she didn't want citations at the end of every sentence, but whatever. She didn't report me, I guess. I just feel discouraged and hopeless, which is pretty unfortunate. Oh, pathetic, too, did I mention that? I feel that way. I feel like I shouldn't feel this bad, and that I'm being..well, I honestly cannot think of the word right now. I just don't really like life right now, though I'm trying my best to pretend. I just fucking hate it.
I don't want to be simply content with my life and I've been that way for far too long. I honestly don't remember the last time I was truly happy with something. I'm just getting by, day to day and I'm unstimulated in the greatest sense. I don't want to anything, but I don't want to do nothing, y'know? Probably not. This isn't something normal people would experience, I guess. I tried writing, I tried reading, I tried just listening to music. I don't want to think. I just want to go to fricken sleep, but naturally, my mind is racing. I wish I could run or something to clear my mind, but it's midnight and the treadmill would make far too much noise.
Speaking of too much, I think that's it. Right now, for me, this is all just too much for me to take. I just need a break, before I do because I really don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm a fricken crazy person. And, honestly, I'm ashamed to feel this way. I'm ashamed that I'm unhappy. I don't want people to feel bad for me; boy do I hate that. I don't want people to want to cheer me up because they can tell I'm unhappy. I really just don't want to talk about it, though I know I probably should. I just feel guilty about it all I guess. I mean, I haven't even told Laura about Aunt Sharon, and I've talked to her three times since it happened. Laura is my best friend. I haven't posted in the TBNA, because I feel weird posting it, but at the same time, I feel that I need to post it and get it over with before I can go back to normal, but I hate the "I'm sorry's." They seriously make me cringe. I just need to get better, or back to me, but honestly, right now, I don't know who me is.
I've been listening to music like mad for the past week, and I so badly want to believe it all. I want to believe in the silver lining and the happy ending, or at least the happy moment here and there, but I just can't find it in my heart to believe that's true. I feel so cynical and I hate that right now, I question my belief in love and I wonder whether or not I will ever find someone that cares about me unconditionally as much as I care about them. I can see myself being single, possibly forever and part of me is okay with that, but that's the cynical side of me that would be content with that, not the real, not that I'm even confident with using the term "real", me. Right now, I just don't know much about anything, but I know I'm not happy and I really just can't handle the unhappy me for much longer.
Merry Christmas, I guess.
No comments:
Post a Comment