12.25.09

I'm hurt. I'm unhappy. I'm just currently so many things that I wish I wasn't. It kind of feels as though everything is falling apart, little by little. I can't even sort out what is wrong with me, and that makes me think that it's close to everything.

Christmas just didn't feel like Christmas. Aunt Sharon passed away on Sunday, Mom's leaving on January 11th, and I'm moving in with Dad. My writing teacher claimed that I came close to plagerism. Yeah? WTF is that crap. I cited at the end of the paragraph because I used my source for the entire paragraph and she didn't want citations at the end of every sentence, but whatever. She didn't report me, I guess. I just feel discouraged and hopeless, which is pretty unfortunate. Oh, pathetic, too, did I mention that? I feel that way. I feel like I shouldn't feel this bad, and that I'm being..well, I honestly cannot think of the word right now. I just don't really like life right now, though I'm trying my best to pretend. I just fucking hate it.

I don't want to be simply content with my life and I've been that way for far too long. I honestly don't remember the last time I was truly happy with something. I'm just getting by, day to day and I'm unstimulated in the greatest sense. I don't want to anything, but I don't want to do nothing, y'know? Probably not. This isn't something normal people would experience, I guess. I tried writing, I tried reading, I tried just listening to music. I don't want to think. I just want to go to fricken sleep, but naturally, my mind is racing. I wish I could run or something to clear my mind, but it's midnight and the treadmill would make far too much noise.

Speaking of too much, I think that's it. Right now, for me, this is all just too much for me to take. I just need a break, before I do because I really don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm a fricken crazy person. And, honestly, I'm ashamed to feel this way. I'm ashamed that I'm unhappy. I don't want people to feel bad for me; boy do I hate that. I don't want people to want to cheer me up because they can tell I'm unhappy. I really just don't want to talk about it, though I know I probably should. I just feel guilty about it all I guess. I mean, I haven't even told Laura about Aunt Sharon, and I've talked to her three times since it happened. Laura is my best friend. I haven't posted in the TBNA, because I feel weird posting it, but at the same time, I feel that I need to post it and get it over with before I can go back to normal, but I hate the "I'm sorry's." They seriously make me cringe. I just need to get better, or back to me, but honestly, right now, I don't know who me is.

I've been listening to music like mad for the past week, and I so badly want to believe it all. I want to believe in the silver lining and the happy ending, or at least the happy moment here and there, but I just can't find it in my heart to believe that's true. I feel so cynical and I hate that right now, I question my belief in love and I wonder whether or not I will ever find someone that cares about me unconditionally as much as I care about them. I can see myself being single, possibly forever and part of me is okay with that, but that's the cynical side of me that would be content with that, not the real, not that I'm even confident with using the term "real", me. Right now, I just don't know much about anything, but I know I'm not happy and I really just can't handle the unhappy me for much longer.

Merry Christmas, I guess.

College is so weird to me. I mean, I enjoy it, but it seems to me that right now there are only two options. One: you can drink. Greek life is so prevalent at Syracuse. I mean, my floormates wanted me to go to frat row tonight and invited me along, but I just can't yet. There are so many things that I just don't know yet about these people. I just can't find it in me to trust them outright. So, number Two: you can not drink (at this point, not drinking = sitting in your dorm room thinking too much and freaking yourself out). I'm sure that it would be good for me to do the whole partying thing, but I'm only interested in having a good time, minus the alcohol. I mean, I'll drink once in awhile, not to the point of drunkeness, but til a slight buzz, but I've never gone over three drinks. I don't want to be shitfaced. I don't know how anyone could actually want that, especially right when school starts. I don't know anyone well enough. They wouldn't take care of me if I did happen to need that. I just don't think I can do that yet.
I feel as though I'm past this whole "let's get drunk" phase. I would be perfectly happy to just meet a few nice people, get a boyfriend, and just hang out. I don't understand why people need the alcohol in college to have a good time. Are we really that self conscious? Are our lives that awful? I think not, but I don't understand what a guy (or girl) could see in a shitfaced member of the opposite sex. It certainly doesn't appeal to me. I'm just stressing out so much right now, probably for no reason, but still. I just can't sleep and I'm sure that my friends are having a wonderful time at the frat party (if they even got in), but I just can't do it. If I was with Laura, or my brothers, sure, but I'm not. I'm with people that I just met yesterday and I just can't allow myself to trust any of them. The only person I feel safe with is my RA, Sarah. She's a little crazy, and not really the type of person I usually hang around with, but all of the RA's make me feel pretty amazing. I just know if I need something, they'll help. THANK GOD.

I care about people way too much, and sometimes, I hate that about myself. My brother and his girlfriend of 9 years are in the middle of breaking up, but then they act like they're getting back together. I honestly don't know what to think. They were talking for a good 2 hours tonight and then, my brother just drove off because of something she told him. He says that he's got a girlfriend someplace with 3 kids, but then says that he doesn't. I honestly just don't know what game he's playing at with her. So, he just left and I went to make sure Kristy was alright, she wasn't, obviously, but I think I helped a bit just by being there. They're both so drunk, I doubt they'll remember much of anything tomorrow. So, Dale was driving home and Kristy was texting him to come back. I called to see if he was home yet, but he wasn't so I waited and called the house and thankfully he got there safe and I asked if it was alright for me to drop Kristy off so they can talk. He said it was alright, so, I did. I'm just worried about them being there alone, and drunk, and emotionally unstable. I really just want them to work it out, but no one has any clue what's going on with Dale. He's so messed up and Kristy loves him so much. And Camille, my sweet, wonderful, loving niece. She'll be four in just a few weeks, and I know that he loves her, but he's being awful about showing it. I just don't understand how he can see that beautiful little girl and not want to spend all the time with her that he can. For her, for Kristy, and for Dale, I just hope that they can fix this.
Zachary had 8 beers in three hours, so, I had to take care of that too. He hadn't eaten or drank any water either. He said he just wanted to go home and sleep, but I made him eat and drink a bottle of water first. He would've been a mess if I hadn't. AND my sister's nephew (well, sort of) on he boyfriend's side, Chad, he had about 13 beers today (in about 5 hours), so, he wasn't in much better shape than Zach. He passed out in a tent out back at my sister's house. I'm home now, and glad to be here, but I'm worried about everyone else. For the sakes of everyone involved, I hope that they can all just get their stuff together. I would love not to worry about everyone almost constantly.

So, I cannot wait for college. I'm in Brewster on the eighth floor. Good stuff. I'm not working tomorrow, but I have to work Saturday and I kind of forgot about the concert festival that I'm supposed to be going to with my siblings, so, I'll have to leave early, but I don't really care. I don't need to see that all anyway.

I got My Sister's Keeper in the mail today, but I'm in the middle of two other books, so it'll have to wait. I'm reading The Edge of Winter and The Naked Roommate, so we'll see. I should be asleep right now (It's 12:19 and I need to be up in less than 7 hours), but I can't sleep. INSOMNIA friggen sucks. I want to write, but that's been a major suckfest the past couple of days...

Megan called me to hang out today. I had to work and didn't want to anyways, so, that worked out well. She just acts like everything between us is normal. It's not.

AND,
My name combos are giving me troubles. I have

Emmeline Daphne Claire
Violet Isabella Catherine
Rosalie Elisabeth June
Genevieve Lucia Margaret
Cecilia Gwendolen Jane
Eleanora Alice Caroline
Lydia Charlotte Adele
Anna Vivienne Esme
Juliet Alana Scarlett
Lillian Ruth Anastasia

I've realized that I simply do not care about the vast majority of people that I went to highschool with. I have Laura, and she's just about all that matters to me. We've been best friends since pre-school and she's the real deal, my bestie for life. Megan tried to tell me some story about a Grease drinking party she went to and all this stuff about Jeb and Keith; she conveniently left out some stuff about how she made out with a girl, or so I hear, but I realized that I simply do not care about any of that gossip at all. I'd just prefer not to know these things.

I went to a party for my cousin Jessie today. She's 30 now; exciting stuff. She's pregnant and due on October 10th (I think). She's quite an adorable pregnant woman if I may say so. This is her second child and she thinks it'll be a boy, but they're going to let it be a surprise. Her son is Tyler William; he's a cute little blonde, blue-eyed boy. My cousin Jason's girlfriend, Melinda is pregnant too; she's due the 23rd of November aka: the day before my 18th birthday. They just found out that they're having a little boy.

Seriously, I get in such odd moods when I think too much. I've been trying to read The Virgin Suicides. I'm about halfway through and I've started The Edge of Winter too. So, I've got two books to read before My Sister's Keeper gets here. I ordered on Border's.com two days ago and I can't wait for it to get here. =] Anyhow, all I want to do is write rather than read, so, I'm going with that and writing. This idea seems to be going places so I have to go with it. I'm watching ANTM right now. It's one of those friggin marathons, so, naturally, I won't be able to stop watching.

So, this week has been interesting. My grad party was on Sunday and I got to see a ton of family members and some friends, too. Then, I got $2950 dollars, so, that's pretty darn amazing. Tuesday, I went to Six Flags with my cousins and their children (Ashley-5, Andrew-7, Julianna-7, Carissa-4, Haleigh-7, Shelby-8, Josalynn-3). It was interesting. Now, I'm babysitting and the kids are watching the new Hannah Montana thing with Jake vs. Jesse. They're both pretty cute guys.

Last night, I went to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last night with Laura, her dad, and my brother, Zachary. It was great. I teared up a bit when Dumbledore died, but it definitely was not as epic as it should have been...Tonight I have to work 5-close, then babysit tomorrow until 4:00, then work 5-close. I have Saturday off and I have some grad parties to go to, but then I have to work a party on Sunday afternoon. Oh, and I finished my thank-you cards today. All 60 of them. Well, I suppose that's it for now.